Nicole Scherzinger get your lawyer on the phone (RECAP)
RuPaul's Drag Race All Stars S9E4 "Smokin' Hot Firefighter Makeovers" Recap
I’m at the makeover challenge. I’m at the girl group challenge. I’m at the combination makeover, girl group challenge!!
This week, the queens blindly sort themselves into pairs, before being assigned a third – a sexy sexy fireman – to makeover and to perform with for this week’s supersized All Stars Maxi Challenge. To get the earnestness out of the way: these firefighters seem to be, on all counts, truly delightful and sweet human beings. They speak with such care about this show, their families, and so highly of this opportunity they’ve been given. Maybe a better world is possible! (Kidding).
The queens + firemen participate in a very Challengers-coded speed dating night/compatibility test, after which the drag newbies choose their queens. Let’s chat teams:
Meow Meow Mixx — Plastique/Jorgeous/Angolique
To me, and much of the internet-at-large, Meow Meow Mixx are the rightful winners of this week’s challenge. “The Powerpuff Girls” is an elite concept for a three person girl group, of course, but more than that this trio simply had the goods. From the nameplates on their outfits, to their human hair wigs (the price of which no doubt equals the GDP of a small country), these divas are aesthetically perfect from head to toe. Plastique in particular continues to execute the art of female illusion at a level that’s above and beyond. Tbh after watching her on TV for an hour, I feel like a thinkpiece or two about how her drag perpetuates unrealistic body standards is in order. And makeover aside, the performance tore as well! Jorgeous and Plastique had the good sense to make Angolique the centerpiece of their stage pictures, thereby limiting the need for her to move and allowing her to shine without having to execute complicated choreo. It’s 10s across the board for Meow Meow Mixx.
The Hoezes — Roxxy/Vanjie/Valerie Valentine
While our badge winners may not have wowed me like MMM, they certainly did a solid job this week. Roxxxy’s matching costumes very much give Tina Knowles originals (complimentary), and their choreo is the most ambitious of the bunch. Roxxxy and Vanjie look truly impeccable, and are well-matched in terms of drag family. The problem, unfortunately, arises from our sweet sweet firefighter, Valerie Valentine. Her walk is, in a word… crazy. She “struts” the stage, attempting to mimic Roxxxy’s sassy hip thrust, but it gives less “Kelly Rowland” and more “I have a herniated disk.” Despite a darling personality and can-do attitude, there’s little Roxxxy and Vanjie can do to disguise the masculinity of man on stage in front of us, who has the stage presence and dance ability of a 2019 Dua Lipa. The judges, however, disagree. They award Vanessa and Roxxxy with their first challenge win, bringing their total badge count to a whopping 2 a piece (gift badges from Nina and Gottmik included).
The Pussycat Hose — Angeria/Shannel/Natasha Bradley
Let’s get one thing straight: Natasha Bradley is the most gorgeous and cunt name this fireman could’ve possibly chosen for his first time in drag, and I think that should be reflected on the scorecards. But onto the other (less important!) categories: Shannel’s beats are of course immaculate on both Angeria and Natasha, but I’m visually overwhelmed looking at these bodysuits. Angeria’s in particular. A labyrinth of fringe, hot pink chicken feathers, and AB rhinestones, I’m unsure of which to turn and I’m sure I’ll go mad if my gaze lingers too long. Performance-wise, I find myself struggling to critique. Their lyrics (“hissin’ while i’m pissin’. hissin’ while i’m pissin’!” and “take him to the vet so my man can get it wet”) are so insane and aurally confounding that I’m unable to focus in on the mechanics of what they’re doing onstage. You know the zoological theory that the geometry of the stripes on a tiger’s coat scrambles their prey’s frontal lobe so they can’t run away as quickly? That’s how I feel looking at the fringe on Shannel’s bodysuit (complimentary).
The Hose Draggers — Nina/Gottmik/Anita Blaze
Yet another set of faces that are positively stamped. (Performances aside, is this one of the best makeover challenges we’ve ever seen??) Gottmik has worked her magic on her team, meaning Nina West has never looked better. Same goes for their daughter Anita Blaze. A former gay go-go dancer, Anita has a level of comfort on stage that the her firemen coworkers do not. It makes for a well-matched trio: Gottmik and Nina, not dancers by nature, are not tempted to overcomplicate the choreo, and Anita is able to lend her experience on the stage to boost her otherwise beginner level skillset as a first time drag queen. All in all, a cohesive group. Their Achilles heel is perhaps Gottmik, who looks quite uncomfortable in the 60’s mod dress that she’s somberly picked from Nina’s closet. Gottmik does her absolute darndest to give it a bit of edge (shortening it, repurposing some fabric into a choker, pinning some of the fabric up to create an aysmmetrical hemline, etc.), but it’s far removed from what we’re used to seeing from her. Without the chic trappings of her typical fashion-forward runways, we remember how relatively green Gottmik is when it comes to performance.
With critiques sorted, Vanjie and Roxxxy are declared the top two of the week, and must therefore lip sync to Janet Jackson’s “Black Cat.” It’s a charming and entertaining performance on both their parts, and RuPaul (overcome by the spirit of charity, I suppose) seems content not to split hairs, and awards them both a badge and a win. My temptation is of course to roll my eyes (me want drama), but given that the end result is “more money for charity” I think I gotta check that impulse. Shoutout to the ASPCA.